Santa Claus is a Criminal

I wrote this last year out of complete boredom. Despite its trivial subject, I thought I did an overall good-job on it.

Santa Claus is a criminal

Ty Mullins

     His name brings smiles, his image spreads happiness, and his gifts create memories. His name is Santa Claus. But these traits are only a façade, hiding the true Santa, a man no parent would want their kid to meet. A criminal, in the least, the real Santa deserves to have his face plastered on every “Most Wanted” poster in the world. His criminal record should be stuffed full of violations and injustices, but this man has escaped all prosecution. A person may ask what horrendous crimes this individual has committed. The corresponding list dives into all areas of illegal activities, ranging from burglary to putting our planet at risk.

     Santa’s first crime is forcing an army of young children, falsely labeled as “elves” for legal reasons, to work long hours with no pay in a dangerous factory. Supplied with no safety equipment, the children all operate dangerous machinery, a strict violation of child labor laws. The man also forces the innocent children to wear shoes with curved ends, causing their feet to experience irregular growth.

     The factory where the children work is located in the cold arctic tundra of the North Pole. The children continually work day-and-night through-out the year, meaning that toxic fumes never stop bellowing out of the large smokestacks. These gases, which include carbon dioxide, continually expand the hole in the ozone layer, leading to an increase in Earth’s temperatures and creating drastic changes for ecosystems around the planet.

     Beyond releasing pollution, this industrial palace’s construction disturbed polar bear ecosystems, further endangering an already nearly-extinct species. Polar bears aren’t the only animals to suffer due to Santa, however- his team of nine-reindeer is forced to work for twenty-four hours straight without food, drink, or rest. Instead, Santa expects these innocent and helpless animals to perform impossible tasks, like flying through the air without the help of any devices to get them airborne. There is also evidence that Santa may have genetically altered the lead reindeer, replacing his nose with a bright, red light.

     Santa has committed crimes outside of the North Pole too, areas where laws should be easily enforced. This includes flying an unregistered vehicle, a large sleigh, through multiple restricted areas. Some may view this as only a minor infraction, but terrorists share participation in this activity.

     The sleigh does not remain airborne for long, however. In a dangerous stunt worthy of a ticket for reckless flying, Santa lands his sleigh and team of nine reindeer onto the rooftops of suburban homes around the world. He breaks into millions of houses and apartments all within the same night, having never once been caught, a feat all other criminals are no-doubt envious of.

     Once inside a home, Santa robs the sleeping inhabitants of cookies and milk before abandoning dangerous “toys” and “gifts” for the younger members of the household. These items often include lead-paint covered products, dangerous sports equipment, and in rare cases, coal- a toxic substance. Afterwards, Santa ditches the house and escapes through the chimney, leaving the family to discover they’ve been robbed and cursed with these dangerous items after waking up in the morning.

     Even when not within a certain household, Santa knows what is going on. Listeners of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” will hear “He knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake.” Another crime to add to the list, Santa is accusable of stalking young children.

     Other controversies are his affair, exposed by “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” and his hermit-like qualities up at the Arctic Circle. The creepiest of them all, without a doubt, is his massive interest in children. Santa visits thousands of malls annually, inviting young children to sit in his lap and whisper in his ear what it is they want for Christmas. With a creepy smile and nod of his head, Santa often fills these children with false-hopes before giving an awkward hug goodbye.

     Santa’s criminal records should be filled with enough crimes and injustices to have him locked-away in prison for a lifetime, but more minor list of controversial actions just put the icing on the cake. The most known is his large waist-size “that [shakes]; when he [laughs] like a bowlful of jelly,” as said by Henry Livingston in his “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Santa is simply reversing our hard-work devoted to teaching children to have healthy lifestyles. Another thing Livingston exposes in the famed poem is Santa’s addiction to smoking- “The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth’, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.” Smoking has been proven to damage your lungs, reduce your lifespan, and promote hair-loss and stress.

     He has escaped prosecution thanks to “holiday cheer” and “Christmas spirit,” but with the ugly truth out there, can you still encourage your kids to believe in him? Can you still look up to him? Or have you come to a realization- Santa Claus is a terrible choice for a Christmas mascot with his criminal record he drags behind him. It’s time we abandon this old man and nominate another mascot to take his place, one who’ll serve as a role-model and not a horrible criminal.